Letting Go of Shame

Looking for a job with the right kind of fit for my life is incredibly difficult. I’ve always had very good luck when it comes to applying for jobs I’ve wanted, I rarely have to apply several places before I land somewhere I fit. Key: Jobs I’ve wanted, not needed. I think the hardest part of all of this has been how limited I am in what I want to do, and where I want to do it. Need makes us do the things we said we’d never do. Bending standards, donning humility. 

I am in a community that is not mine. It’s not like carbondale, or where I come from, it isn’t home. I’ve been here since 2008, but I’ve never loved it. The novelty wore off for me a few weeks into my job at the newspaper. Point being, I don’t want a service job in the community where people see me. This is one of the shittiest things about all the work I am finding that’s currently available. I don’t want to have to deal with having had a career and then being a waitress or sales clerk. It sounds elitist because it is. I’ve mentioned not being able to have something to hold up, 

"See, here this! This is what I am doing! Look isn’t it as smart and capable as I am? I won’t be working here forever." 

It’s not that I want that for showing, I want it for me. I want to know I won’t get stuck, that where I am is not forever. I want to be working toward something, but not have to compromise my standards in the meantime.

Until, I am back in school it’s going to be hard for me to be seen. This is the worst thing to admit, because people hold these jobs as their careers. I am being a total snob right now, but it’s honest. The job I hold, now, is a community service job. I walk away every day feeling like I’ve done something. I enjoy it, far more than a lot of things I have done in my short life. It’s something I am proud to talk about, even when it is essentially high school part-time work. 

I just don’t want to even feel like I am back-tracking. I also don’t want to be my Mother. Which, let’s face it is the real issue going on here besides the embarrassment of being pitied by those I knew in my career role who may or may not think I’ve failed. I don’t want to become blue collar. I want to put a qualifier here about how I mean no offense to those who’s lives are not like mine, but I don’t feel like it’ll do the true meaning of what I am saying justice. I think as I was growing up this was the role I chose for myself, to not become my Mother. 

To not have to scrape by. To not have to work over-time in a mentally draining and soul-crushing job. My mom also hates change and balks at the opportunity to have more responsibility. She has dedicated her life to answering phones and dealing with irate customers. Every now and again someone will call to express gratitude, but as with most things, people always want to talk about the bad and never just call to say,

"Thank you for existing."

She always came home looking faithless, unhappy and tired, but always got up the next day to do it again. She spends her free time sitting alone, watching PBS because going out to do something takes away from the only free time she has left in a week. She has found a way to pull joy from her life, even if fleeting. 

That’s not the life I wanted, not even in the transitory. 

I grew up knowing I wanted to make a difference in the world around me. No babies or marriage in my fantasies. I was conducting orchestras, discovering new lands, building secret communities. I knew I wanted to go to college and be able to support myself, never needing to scrape by when it came to living. Obviously, I originally chose a social servant job in journalism, also a career not focused on making money. Though I never wanted to struggle to get by, I was also never focused on making money. People around me were choosing careers that would set them up for financial success, while I chose something that was middle class but that I could be proud of on a daily basis. 

I feel I’m getting away from what was originally bothering me, which is that I am finding it tough both in general and personally to find a second job. I know I need to let go of my preconceived notion that I will somehow become my Mother if I work at Olive Garden for a year. I need to quit worrying about if I see someone I used to work with and I can read their expression of condolence, or worse that they feel and recognize nothing of what I had to do in the in between. 

I’m the only one standing in my way. I need to do what I need to do to get through this time. I have three classes left. Two semesters. I need an apartment, I need to be able to afford that apartment.

This is what needs doing. 

I just don’t want to lose prospective along the way.

Please, don’t let me lose my way.

I need to keep moving.

“For I am—or I was—one of those people who pride themselves in on their willpower, on their ability to make a decision and carry it through. This virtue, like most virtues, is ambiguity itself. People who believe that they are strong-willed and the masters of their destiny can only continue to believe this by becoming specialists in self-deception. Their decisions are not really decisions at all—a real decision makes one humble, one knows that it is at the mercy of more things than can be named—but elaborate systems of evasion, of illusion, designed to make themselves and the world appear to be what they and the world are not. This is certainly what my decision, made so long ago in Joey’s bed, came to. I had decided to allow no room in the universe for something which shamed and frightened me. I succeeded very well—by not looking at the universe, by not looking at myself, by remaining, in effect, in constant motion.” 
― James BaldwinGiovanni’s Room

Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.
― Hunter S. Thompson
Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens,” said Gimli.
“Maybe,” said Elrond, “but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall.”
“Yet sworn word may strengthen quaking heart,” said Gimli.
“Or break it,” said Elrond.
J. R. R. Tolkien, Fellowship of the Ring
Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing
― Elizabeth Gilbert
wnyc:

Happy 50, Keanu! You don’t look a day over sad. 
—Sean, sideshow

wnyc:

Happy 50, Keanu! You don’t look a day over sad. 

—Sean, sideshow

(via publicradiointernational)

At least I can build my passions #lego #chemistry #chemist #STEM #women #science

At least I can build my passions #lego #chemistry #chemist #STEM #women #science

Epilogue

Life, follows a plan(?)

At least, I am hoping life has some sort of pattern for all this chaos, boredom, pain, happiness; the day to day. I need to believe this right now.

My relationship has ended. It was nearly six years long and it was pretty great. Matt and I ‘get’ each other, you know? We never fight. Funny enough, not even while we were discussing our eventual parting. Maybe that was part of the problem? I don’t know. I don’t know how to sustain romantic relationships, not yet, maybe not ever. At times I think I am better off alone, and I swear at the end of each relationship I am done with relationships. I don’t like hurting, and I don’t like hurting people. 

I know the idea of removing myself from the romance equation is silly. People need people. Friends and family are only two parts of the whole we need to survive. 

Matt and I, we want different things out of life. And if you’re going to be with someone you should have aligned aspirations; the expected major outcomes should be at the very least, similar. We were homogenous in other ways: intelligence, humor, social interests and aesthetics. It was the big pieces we lacked: marriage, children, other. You can try to ignore big picture for a while, but eventually it stacks up in the back room and you run out of room to store other things. You will always have to face the big things, and it’s better to take care of them immediately. People get attached, get comfortable. It’s incredibly hard to concede discomfort and keep moving. 

So, I’m on some kind of new path all the way around it would seem. I am on break from school, which I feel confident I made the smart decision, but I still feel shitty about. My boyfriend and I broke up, which was for the best for both of us, but I am still infinitely sad because he’s my best friend. A year and a few months ago I quit my career, something I rarely miss, but frequently feel the sting of money loss and notability when among others. It’s harder now without a career and school, to explain what it is I am ‘doing’. Clearly I am doing a lot, but it’s nothing tangible, yet. I can’t hold it up for everyone to see, and I can’t let it soothe me to sleep at night, and so I feel empty. I feel lost. And I feel directionless. 

I have goals in my mind but they feel so far away. We are separated by time, money, timing, circumstance and this downtime whatever it is. This place, I want to crawl out of it only to find I can stand on two feet still. Knowing I am not broken would do me a load of good right now, but I can’t feel it and if I can’t feel it I have an even harder time believing it. 

There has to be an upswing or what is the point? 

I’m hungry and I think one of the Terra Nova Five got eaten by Mark or Franklin, perhaps both. These are contributing factors to the gravity of how I feel right now. Though how I feel is not limited to hunger and the loss of a fish I’ve owned one day. 

Baby steps, I will eat. And I will accept that the Terra Nova Five are now Four.

Non nobis solum nati sumus.
Not for ourselves alone are we born
― Marcus Tullius Cicero
Mark and Franklin are, of course, alive and swimming too after their trek from the metro center to my house. #fish #fishtank #newpets (at Home)

Mark and Franklin are, of course, alive and swimming too after their trek from the metro center to my house. #fish #fishtank #newpets (at Home)

Happy to report the Terra Nova Five are still alive and that Mark and Franklin haven’t murdered them yet. #fish #fishtank #terranova #antarcticexpedition  (at Home)

Happy to report the Terra Nova Five are still alive and that Mark and Franklin haven’t murdered them yet. #fish #fishtank #terranova #antarcticexpedition (at Home)

christopherpoindexter:

"I am fucking crazy. But I am free." Lana Del Rey

christopherpoindexter:

"I am fucking crazy. But I am free." Lana Del Rey

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.
― Luna Lovegood, J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
wnyc:

Let’s all take a minute to appreciate how on point The New York Times Magazine's art has been lately. 
—Sean, sideshow

wnyc:

Let’s all take a minute to appreciate how on point The New York Times Magazine's art has been lately. 

—Sean, sideshow

(via publicradiointernational)

It’s been a shit few weeks. Thank God for this. #lego #reasearchinstitute #women #science #STEM (at Home)

It’s been a shit few weeks. Thank God for this. #lego #reasearchinstitute #women #science #STEM (at Home)

I like a sharpened pencil

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